Because nothing says “squeaky clean” like a diminutive plumber who reeks of sewers

I know that when I’m ripe after a hard days work or a sweaty, stinky workout, and I desperately want to get clean and feel human again, there’s no one whose advice on cleanliness I’d value more than Mario’s. Yeah, Mario, the guy who smells like the municipal shit-pipes he works in and as a bonus hovers next to the tub while you bathe, his wide, insane eyes drinking in every inch of your soapy nakedness. Suddenly, Mr. Bubble seems normal and wholesome by comparison. Stick to jumping barrels and slamming your head into hovering blocks, Mario — and please don’t bring Luigi with you to bathtime. (The Princess is okay, though.)