If eugenics wasn’t a discredited field, some of its proponents might argue that there should be no safety tips at all, so the stupid among us — those who walk blithely into oncoming traffic, like young Figure 1 up there — can be cleansed from the gene pool. Who knows what level of consciousness humanity might reach without that ballast weighing us down? But as caring, enlightened people, we’ll go right along warning dullards about the perils of non-crosswalk perambulations, with Wrigley (a paragon of safety tip virtue) leading the way.
While we’re at it, here’s another smart idea: Stay away from Juicy Fruit. It loses its flavor in under ten seconds, and after that you’re left with rubber gristle. Knowledge for life.
It would seem that Batman is the only person who can either refer to the Batcave or have the Batcave referred to in his presence without it coming dangerously close to meaning “rectum.” NO I DO NOT WANT TO STORE MY BATMOBILE MODEL IN oh I see what you mean. Buyer and ass beware.
Fredric Wertham and his decades-old comic book witch-hunt still takes a lot of flak, and justifiably so. The Seduction of the Innocent was a ninnyish, schoolmarmy overreaction to some things that were borderline offensive and many things that were utterly harmless — like criminals acting like criminals. Wertham read between a lot of lines and found any number of things that weren’t there, which undermined his entire case (such as it was). He was earnest but overreaching, the latter so much so we’re still yacking about his seminal work in a new millennium, and not in a flattering way.
But a broken clock is still right twice a day. A blind squirrel can still find the nut. And now and again, Wertham’s wild arrows sailed to their mark. One of those wobbly arrows hit, if not the bullseye, at least the area around the bullseye, and in none other than a Bugs Bunny comic. Read more…
When do we start? – Thor: The Dark World Trailer 1
I was going to go really dig into this trailer and try to parse out the new visual aesthetic that Alan “Game of Thrones” Taylor was going to bring to the God of Thunder. Maybe ponder how Stage Two of the MCU was going to up the fantasy ante with Thor, the most improbable of the House of Ideas’ adapted properties. And then Loki showed up, the ticket was sold, and nothing had to be said. What a wonderful time it is for a person who loves movies and comics.
“[W]hen you betray me, I will kill you” indeed.
Daredevil Dan and his Tournament of (Fairly Tame) Thrills
Daredevil Dan apparently does all his stunts with arms raised and his legs in a crouching position, like he’s constantly rising from behind a chair to say BOO. Knowledge for life. Tuck this away in case you too enter the exciting field of death defiance.
Pa and Ma Kent get young, so Clark goes full Cartman and LOSES HIS MIND – Superboy #126
If you had to make a list of the top moments in South Park history, Eric Cartman’s revenge on Scott Tenorman would have to rank near the apex of epic. Poor Scott never knew that selling Cartman pubes would lead to his parents being killed and fed to him Titus Andronicus style, but that’s indeed what happened. Payback’s a bitch and all that. “Tears of unfathomable sadness” became a bit of a meme after that episode first aired ten years ago, and it remains a transcendent benchmark in fictional overreaction.
This comic book is faithfully submitted as one that matches, if not exceeds, Cartman’s overreaction. Kind of.
If a library card is so “magic” and great, why can’t it give you friends who aren’t ghastly?
No one would ever question the utility of libraries. Storehouses of ideas, repositories of human knowledge, blah blah blah. Nor would anyone mock a kid for being enthusiastic about the joys of reading. It’s just that the nauseating pep that Pete’s friends display in this PSA make one think of Dante’s level of hell. The kind of people who always have to be doing something are exactly the sort who can drive the quiet and contemplative among us — you know, readers — to the verge of madness. Maybe poor Pete just wanted to enjoy his V-neck sweater vest in peace, and didn’t want to be bombarded by remote controls, costumes and records the moment he walked into the room, like he just stepped into some infernal crafts fair/flea market.
The National Social Welfare Assembly should stick to touting BEM, the odd amalgam of all manly virtues.
Summer. Skin. It’s just around the corner, and to get us all in the mood, we have this sublimely odd paperback book of pin-ups. A collection of the old Amazing Heroes swimsuit editions, it represents all that can be fun and creepy when it comes to sexualizing characters from the funny pages. A little beach fun with comic characters can be harmless, but it, like everything else, can often come to a bridge too far. You want to combine dopey cosplay with Sports Illustrated‘s annual best-seller? THEN HAVE WE GOT A BOOK FOR YOU.
Yes, we can all get behind Batgirl in the skimpiest of skimpy attire (providing she’s of legal age) — or at least the fourteen year-old inside of us can, the one who tried desperately to draw such things behind locked doors in our bedrooms (not that I did that OKAY I DID) (art by Jeff Butler):
But when you start putting bikinis on furry critters, I, for one, start to get really weirded out (Taral Wayne):
Pepe Le Pew ogling in his Victorian swimwear isn’t helping matters. I suppose we can be thankful that he isn’t sporting a bike rack.
And then you have the ambiguous. Of all the supposedly closeted characters that people have wanted to out over the years (Peppermint Patty and Marcie, Bert and Ernie, etc.), Race Bannon and Benton Quest have to be near the top of the list. A single father cavorting around the world with a virile male companion? It has a Liberace vibe to it — not that there’s anything wrong with that. And while there’s nothing incriminating in this Coppertone-themed pic, just chillaxin’ on the beach might be enough (Marc Hempel, Mark Wheatley):
Bandit, no!
You can find this book kicking around here and there. Pick it up if you like the occasional odd swimwear showcase.
Metamorpho as loyal company front man
It’s perhaps a testament to Metamorpho’s brief 1960s run of popularity that he was made the front man for this subscription ad, over stalwarts like Superman and Batman. It was down to either him or Bob Hope, I guess.
Has “Kooksville” ever been uttered in all of human history? Or is it just one of those words that you see written down — mainly in 1960s Teen Titans comics?
Le Mans Road Racing is best enjoyed by besweatered fathers and sons who lack lower bodies
“Dad, this Le Mans stuff is swell and all, but can we get some legs next time? Maybe a pelvis?”
Trading Card Set of the Week: Special KNEEL BEFORE ZOD Edition – Superman II (Topps, 1980)
With Man of Steel opening in two months, now’s the perfect time to look back at a bit of paraphernalia from that film’s central villain. Superman II was the second and last appearance of General Zod on the big screen, after his opening cameo in the first picture, when Marlon Brando’s Jor-El waved a New Age quartz crystal and banished him and his cronies to the Phantom Zone. Some might have thought that his demise at the end of part deux spelled the end of the good (bad) general’s big-screen shenanigans, but apparently there’s some unwritten rule in Hollywood that only Zod and Lex Luthor can be used as foils in live-action Superman movies. (Even Robert Vaughn’s Superman III turn was little more than a Luthor proxy.) So here we are again. Bracing to kneel before Zod. Zod Redux.
Superman II has long been ranked as the superior of the four Christopher Reeve Superman pictures, though I’d beg to differ about that. While the detached disdain of Terence Stamp’s Zod was a welcome respite from Ned Beatty tripping over himself, the Kryptonian vs. Kryptonian fights were dicey, fully exposing the primitive wire-work that two years before had made us believe that a man could fly. It was one thing to have Superman gently soar up into the night sky, maybe catching a falling newswoman and helicopter along the way. It was another to have him kicking and punching co-equals (who wore outfits that made them look like wrestlers struggling to make weight). The physics looked odd, and they age the sequel more than the predecessor. And that Superman surrendered his powers to lead a normal life was a decision that the Superman we know, the one that had been around and solidified for close to fifty years at that point, would never have made. It made no sense, and undermined the entire plot — at least for this viewer.
But it was a good movie, with an iconic star and a solid villain, and it certainly outpaced what would be barfed out two films later, when a film worthy of nothing less than full-throated MST3K mockery was unleashed upon the world.
And yes, there were cards to go along with it.
The Topps trading card set for the film followed along with other movie sets from that company in that time period: cards and stickers. After opening with a header card, the 88 card base set starts off with ten character cards from the “Krypton Crystal Bank Archives,” which have borders modeled off the Fortress of Solitude template. Here’s the titular Man of Steel himself:
Now for the icy stare of General Zod:
Right off that bat, you notice something wrong with the set. You start looking through the cards, and you think there’s something missing here. It’s the same feeling you get while going through the Batman-less DC Cosmic Cards. And then it hits you: no Lex Luthor. Nothing. Nada. Otis gets a Crystal Bank card, but no Lex. (Nor Miss Teschmacher and her glorious rack, for that matter. Perhaps a more glaring omission.) The reason for this? Recall that much of the footage for Superman II was shot at the same time as the first movie, but director Richard Donner, because of a dispute with the producers (the Salkinds), was canned while the sequel was only half done. Richard Lester was brought in to finish the job, but Gene Hackman declined to return to complete the film — solidarity and all that. This leads one to believe that either his withdrawal from the project interfered with showing his likeness, or he refused to let it show up in marketing. (Same difference, I guess.)
Either way, no Lex.
Well, there are plenty of other cards to keep you satisfied. THIS ONE IS FOR THE LADIES:
Really, what woman could resist?
The backs of the cards have trivia and puzzle pieces for pictures of several of the Kryptonian principles. Here’s one that shows what the Superman puzzle will be when assembled:
You want Superman fighting Zod? SUPERMAN FIGHTING ZOD:
Note the Marlboro advertising on the truck in the background. Nothing dates this movie more than that — though the prevalence of cigarettes in the film was controversial even back then. What happened to the simple box of Cheerios on the Kent breakfast table? (Little factoid: Cigarette companies didn’t have their company names on trucks they used to ship their products — for fear of hijacking. So the trucks were specially made for the movie. Amaze your dweeby friends and bore dates insensate with this knowledge!)
The stickers (22 of them) reproduce a number of the card images. Here’s dorky Clark Kent to sate your sticker hunger:
And there you have it.
There’s nothing inherent that elevates these cards beyond their cardboard contemporaries, but the association with the Reeve Superverse gives them greater charm. Oh, and Zod. Though it’s bewildering that we’re thirty-plus years into live-action Superman movies and still mining two characters — one of whom isn’t even from the first tier of Kal-El’s rogues gallery (Brainiac? Hello?) — Terence Stamp’s brief, bemused tenure as ruler of planet Houston is nothing if not memorable. These cards are part and parcel of that.
Here’s a Rocky and Bullwinkle Cheerios ad doubling as an anti-one-man band PSA (or vice versa)
Let this ad serve as a warning: playing multiple musical instruments at the same time, with Cheerios or without, can put you in goofy peril. Granted, Bullwinkle has managed to jam himself into a basketball hoop, so he might not be the most instructive sample. Nevertheless, the danger remains. Neil Young, watch your step.
Behold, the last trailer for this summer’s Superman reboot, one that goes a bit beyond the artsy-fartsy moping of the teaser(s) and first trailer. What’s promising? Big action — on Krypton and Earth. Henry Cavill actually smiling once while in the super-tights. Michael Shannon, as General Zod, channeling Sting’s I WILL KILL HIM Dune craziness. The LexCorp building. Pa Kent choking up. Superman actually punching someone HARD. Less than promising? Set-up that might be ponderous. The “S” symbol meaning “Hope,” an overused movie word that makes me want to chunder. A city once again menaced by a beam of light from above. An Amy Adams/Lois Lane VO line-read that’s as flat as a board.
Which side will win? Will this movie finally get DC going on their shared Justice League universe, or will it set us back another five years? We’ll know in two months.
Robert Loggia and his black turtleneck would like you to read this comic. Or he (they) will stab you. – T.H.E. Cat #2
Has there ever been a better character actor than Robert Loggia? That categorization, so often a backhanded compliment for someone who never quite made it to the perceived top of the acting profession, can be the highest of praise when bestowed on the right person, and Loggia’s resume is certainly worthy of praise. He was Feech La Manna on The Sopranos. He was Mancuso, F.B.I. He was in the Magnum P.I. pilot. He was the drug kingpin who ended life on is knees, begging Tony Montana for mercy. He was the ever-calm general in Independence Day, the kind of man you’d want guiding you through an alien invasion crisis — or a dopey movie. The list goes on and on.
Oh, and he was T.H. E. Cat, too.
Lasting only one season, Cat was in the mold of contemporaneous shows like To Catch a Thief and The Saint. It followed the titular hero, a master of surreptitious sneaking, a reformed cat burglar, using his skills to protect the innocent. It wasn’t bad, but it came and went all too quickly, and now is mainly remembered for its feline title and Loggia’s involvement. It’s the latter that’s interesting, because Loggia, whose gravelly, tough voice defines every role, is mostly known to audiences for roles from the 1980s onwards, not for output a decade beforehand. He was no spring chicken when the episodes of Cat were lensed, but he was a younger man, and watching Loggia in his prime is a bat odd, like seeing pictures of your parents when they were teenagers. It’s what makes it kind of neat, too.
Hey, wait, there was a comic book too.
It had a run just as brief as the parent series — actually, with only four issues, briefer — but it at least had nifty photo covers (surely coveted by the hordes of Loggia fanatics around the world). Sadly, the stories on the inside were shoddily juvenile, not living up to the covert ops derring-do of the show. Take for instance the first story in this issue. It has a villain named King Leer (not a typo), a fat sheikish character who abducts a woman to his castle, prompting a rescue from the wily Cat and an underwhelming showdown (art by Jack Sparling):
Readers weren’t dustbinning their Daredevil vs. Kingpin comics, methinks.
The second feature has Cat matching wits with an art-thieving hippie. Check out this odd sequence in the last panels:
It’s like the creative team realized as they were throwing the story together that it was garbage, and just decided to end the story as quickly as possible. “But we don’t have a fight scene.” “Forget it. Wrap it up.” You might call this avant-garde storytelling. You’d probably be wrong.
The comic ends up as nowhere close to the quality of, say, an I Spy, and not even up to the low standards of The Girl from U.N.C.L.E. Which is too bad. Loggia deserved — and deserves — better. But character actors take what they can get, even when it comes to comics.
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Enjoy your toy grenade, kid
The best way to enjoy your brand new toy grenade? Why, toss it at a passing presidential motorcade, of course. Stand back and watch the ensuing fun!
Jared
blog into mystery 