On behalf of Juicy Fruit, Bill Wisdom has some obvious, useless advice for the waning days of your summer

Labor Day, summer’s last fling, is upon us. And by the time you’re done checking off the various safety preconditions that Bill Wisdom has for you, it’ll be over. “Encase yourself in a foam bodysuit.” “Travel with an armed guard and a triage team.” “Never leave the house without a sweater.” “Be sure to chew Juicy Fruit.” “And stay away from minorities” — this is from the 1950s, after all.

If Bill ever saw U.S. Royal and his helmetless daredevilry, he’d faint dead away.