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Steve Garvey and the Quik Bunny team to bring you the sugary beverage of champions!

May 3, 2015

Steve Garvey Quik Bunny

Steve Garvey had a great baseball career and a not-so-great career playing the field, if you know what I mean, but it was the former that was relevant to this old Quik ad campaign. Drink your chocolate milk kids, and you too might grow up to be a fabulously wealthy professional athlete. Though, yeah, you’ll most likely just be a fat slob brushing Dorito dust off your stretched XXL t-shirt. But you’ll have a free baseball!

Memo to the Quik Bunny: Always make sure your giant Q bling is in the shot, and isn’t blocked — not even by the delicious(?) product that is your raison d’être.

Are the Avengers aging well? – Avengers: Age of Ultron

May 1, 2015

Age of Ultron poster

Ever since the credits rolled on 2012’s Avengers — or to be more precise, when the shawarma scene faded to black — there’s been no more anticipated sequel than its followup. The original was one of those rare movies that sends audiences out of a theater talking and feeling good and making plans to see it again, and the mid-credits Thanos tease, which I kid you not almost sent the fat guy sitting next to me into a rapturous heart attack, was like throwing gas on a rampaging fire. Marvel took a risk by trailblazing a shared universe, something now all the rage in Hollywood, and it paid off for them (and their Disney overlords) big-time, with a gold standard movie brand the likes of which we haven’t seen since a little something called Star Wars. (Old good Star Wars, not newer crappy Star Wars — though the most recent trailer holds promise.) We were all left salivating for the next installment. True, the movies for the individual characters during the intervening years have tided us over (Thor and Captain America’s were pretty good, Iron Man’s was insulting), and we even got a brief Thanos turn in last year’s breakout Guardians of the Galaxy. But they don’t quite cut the mustard — we want all these icons back in the same frame, side by side and occasionally clouting each other with hammer, fist and shield. Cameos do not suffice.

Enter Age of Ultron, a massively budgeted ready-made blockbuster which hurls a classic Avengers foe at our heroes and serves as a bridge to the eventual Infinity War two-parter, which will make heads explode in three years. Let’s be honest: it’s hard to screw up the formula at this point, but AofU wouldn’t be the first sequel to crap the bed. So what’s the verdict — are we dazzled again, or painfully underwhelmed? Has Joss Whedon triumphed once more, or botched it? Read more…

Thor vs. The United Nations! Kind of! (Not really!) – Thor #181

April 29, 2015

Thor attacks the United Nations

To help us all get ginned up for this weekend’s U.S release of Age of Ultron (review forthcoming), let’s delve into one of the goofier (mis)adventures for the Asgardian component of the Avengers superteam: Thor, the Goldilocks lunk. And just to be clear, when you’re talking about a character who’s spent time as the Frog of Thunder, “goofy” is really saying something. Granted, nothing can top Thor’s sojourn as a tiny Central Park amphibian, or its What If? permutations, but this earlier comic, from back in the misty 15 cent cover price days of yore, makes a game effort.

Thor against the United Nations! It’s a John Birch Society dream! Read more…

The Suicide Squad Joker has really bad taste in tattoos!

April 24, 2015

Glad to see that Warner Bros. is going the subtle route with the Jared Leto Joker aesthetics. Really, how does he look any different from anyone under the age of 25 nowadays? Get off my lawn!

If pro wrestler Al Snow taught is anything, it’s that forehead tattoos should always be written backwards.

Add the Hulk coin to your burgeoning collection of worthless Marvel currency!

April 24, 2015
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Spider-Man Hulk Conan coins

We’ve seen the Spider-Man and Conan medallion/coins before — sometimes both in the same ad — but the Hulk iteration is a new wrinkle. Shouldn’t they simply have recycled the venerable “Here Comes the Hulk/There Goes the Hulk” shirt design?

I’ve never really investigated the quotes on the reverse of these things, and they aren’t easy to read in this ad, but the Hulk’s is “Within each of us, ofttimes, there dwells a mighty raging fury” — from his first mag. So the very archaic and seldom used “ofttimes” gets some love on a coin. E Pluribus Excelsior!

 

“DON’T BE FAT,” shouts the most unsubtle ad in comic book history!

April 21, 2015

dontbefat

Usually these things pump the product offered up in the copy headline, but this ad cuts right to the chase. And you know what, it has a point. So get your Kal-X tablets (will they turn you into a mutant Superman?), maybe pair them with your Kelpidine pep pills, and start on your way to a lithe, healthy physique. Like the two people in the ad, who may or may not be nude.

The new Fantastic Four trailer looks better, but still doesn’t look good!

April 20, 2015
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The first trailer for this summer’s Fantastic Four reboot underwhelmed, and perhaps made some long for the Roger Corman bootlegs, so here we have a new one, with a much broader window into the plot. Read more…

The Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice trailer is pretty much the exact opposite of what you’d want it to be!

April 19, 2015

It’s not this trailer’s fault that it leaked in the wake of the sunny, nostalgia-laden promo for The Force Awakens, forcing Warner Bros. to put it online ahead of the dopey IMAX screening. But the juxtaposition is unfortunate, to say the least, and it’s taken a few days to process its underwhelmingness. Read more…

5 songs about Superman, ranked

April 17, 2015

Superman Lois Lane Pat Boone

Superman is the first great superhero, the grandaddy of them all, so it’s therefore somewhat fitting that he’s found himself sung about in more pop tunes per capita than any other comic book character. (Batman, his rival for the hearts and minds of DC readers for the past 75 years, isn’t the sort of guy whose look and aura is conducive to anything that might be labeled a “ditty.”) His bright primary colors and his cheery, upright, best-parts-of-Americana  Norman Rockwell image are ideal for obvious melodies and dulcet tones, so how could he not find himself pressed onto vinyl? Read more…

The Star Wars: The Force Awakens trailer will make you believe in metal lunchboxes!

April 16, 2015

I was busy today and didn’t have a chance to post this long-awaited trailer, which features the much hungered for return of Han Solo. As far as commentary, I offer only this: Not that long ago kids’ lunchboxes were made of metal. They were die-cast and solid, with a gorgeous image on their sculpted lid of whatever cartoon or movie or TV show tickled the child’s fancy. They made the peanut butter sandwiches taste like the finest meal ever prepared. Then, before we knew it, before we even realized what was happening, lunchboxes were suddenly made of plastic. They were light, flimsy, and the contoured image was replaced by a simple sticker on the generic lid, one which frayed and peeled as soon as you started using it.

This trailer makes one feel that maybe, just maybe, we’re getting the metal lunchbox back. May the metaphor be with you.

Never oversleep again thanks to the Dynamic Duo and your new (old) Bat-Clock!

April 15, 2015
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Batman clock

We’ve seen the terrifying “Super Baby” rag dolls before, and the less said about them, the better. The Bat-Clock is a fresh face, though, and a fine addition to any nightstand. It talked! But what did it say is the real question here, and a superficial scouring of the internet hasn’t turned up much about this ancient timepiece. Did it just spout audio pulls from the Batman TV show? Something original? “Wake your ass up,” that sort of thing? Anyone out there know?

Buy yourself some Florida swamp land — 1 square inch of it!

April 14, 2015

Florida land scam

We’re all familiar with the old saying “If you believe that, then I have some swamp land in Florida I’d like to sell you.” It signifies a con, a mug’s game, a deal only a sucker would go for, and stands right alongside deeds to the Brooklyn Bridge. Read more…

The new Ant-Man trailer will make you believe a man can shrink — and that the movie might actually be good!

April 13, 2015
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You know, this thing just might turn out to be a decent movie, another improbable success from the cinematic wing of the House of Ideas. Ants! Miniature fighting! Michael Douglas! Toy train derailments! What’s not to like?

 

Game of Thrones: Halftime

April 12, 2015

The producers of HBO’s smash sword and sorcery hit, Game of Thrones, have projected that the series will last seven or eight seasons, an output that will approximate the George R. R. Martin books that may or may not all be published by the time the last episode airs. This means that, having completed four seasons and about to embark on the fifth, the show is at the midway point — or close enough. Halftime. The coach has finished making adjustments and drawing up fresh plays in the locker room, the profanity-laced pep talk has been given, the players are coming back onto the field, and the fans are plopping themselves back into their seats.

It’s as good a time as any for all of us to take stock, see where we are, see where we’re going, and reflect on what has and hasn’t worked on the show with the dragons — and bewbs. Read more…

Get an ant farm and unleash your inner sadist!

April 10, 2015
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ant farm cross-section

No matter how many barns, silos and windmills they might paint on these things, they always seem rather grim. Read more…