Get your pet baby raccoon and wait patiently for it to grow up and rip your damn face off!
May 5, 2015
Let’s be honest, when the animal revolution comes, it’s going to be the raccoons in the vanguard of creatures that overthrow humanity. Yes, they’ll be backed by other mail order “pets” — like monkeys, hamsters and skunks — but the huge, masked prowlers of suburbia will lead the charge. So you have to take this teeny ad’s copy about raccoons always being “America’s favorite pet” with not just a grain of salt, but a whole shaker of it. They aren’t all cute, gun-wielding, wisecracking, bipedal companions, kids.
I just like the fact that Hialeah Pets asks you to let them know your nearest airport — so that they can dump these rabid beasts on the tarmac and hightail it out of there.
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My dad told me the story about he and one of his buddies pooling their money together and buying a baby raccoon from one of these ads in the late 40’s/early 50’s. The baby raccoon arrived a few weeks later as a full grown one with a pretty big chip on his shoulder (probably from his lengthy confinement) and was too big to fit in the cage that they had built in anticipation of his arrival. Soon, he broke out of the cage and disappeared. A couple of days later, there was a break-in at the nearby grocery store. The store owner, who lived upstairs, came down and found a full grown, ticked off raccoon demolishing his merchandise and put him out of everyone’s misery.
^This.