Get your pet baby raccoon and wait patiently for it to grow up and rip your damn face off!
Let’s be honest, when the animal revolution comes, it’s going to be the raccoons in the vanguard of creatures that overthrow humanity. Yes, they’ll be backed by other mail order “pets” — like monkeys, hamsters and skunks — but the huge, masked prowlers of suburbia will lead the charge. So you have to take this teeny ad’s copy about raccoons always being “America’s favorite pet” with not just a grain of salt, but a whole shaker of it. They aren’t all cute, gun-wielding, wisecracking, bipedal companions, kids.
I just like the fact that Hialeah Pets asks you to let them know your nearest airport — so that they can dump these rabid beasts on the tarmac and hightail it out of there.