Join the zero other people in the Steven Seagal fan club and get loads of Steven Seagal junk!

Steven Seagal long ago passed deep into the realm of unaware self-satire, but there was indeed a time when he was a legit B-level action star — a genuine accomplishment for someone with the acting range of a turnip. And the 1991 ad above is a relic of that bygone age. Seagal posters! Seagal t-shirts! Who can resist? (Probably everyone!)

A few observations/quibbles: One, the autographed poster of Seagal is supposed to capture his flinty, intimidating gaze, the one that can put evil-doers to flight all on its own. But it does nothing but make him look like a slightly younger Danny Aiello. Slightly. And two, isn’t “martial arts catalog” somewhat of an oxymoron? Or paradox? Or whatever? Isn’t a lot of the point of martial arts honing your personal skills and body control, and in fact shedding the extraneous geegaws of modernity? And God only knows what kind of crap was in the Seagal version of such a thing — surely a wide selection of plastic throwing stars and hollow nunchucks. Third, if this club is still in existence it should probably by all rights give out muumuus instead of t-shirts with the Seagal martial arts logo(!), the better to honor the bloated object of its veneration. (Seriously, he’s like a Hutt now.)

Lastly, something tells me that the fan club membership card, though on the opposite side of the spectrum of the Barbie card, is equally embarrassing to whoever holds it. Wait, what am I saying — definitely more so in this case. Yeah, a lot more.