Here’s your inspirational PSA for the day, starring Mickey Mantle, Wilma Rudolph and Ben Hogan

Instead of dopey quizzes, odd paragons of manhood, questionable selling points for libraries, doctors lecturing about health myths and shaming the bullies among us, this time the omnipresent National Social Welfare Assembly is going with simple hero-worship, all relayed by a smiling soda jerk. While Mickey Mantle, Wilma Rudolph and Ben Hogan should all be applauded for overcoming early physical infirmities to ascend to the tops of their respective sports, I question the direct applicability of their struggles to the kids’ academics. Maybe they’re just dumb, you know? Maybe they’ll end up as simple soda jerks, not theoretical physicists and the like. No shame in that — it’s good, honest work.

And maybe that’s why our wise, Yoda-like behind-the-counter mentor is pushing Mick, Wilma and Ben forward: he doesn’t want any competition. Reach for the stars, kids (and leave me my simple, menial job)!