Despite Mounds’ and Almond Joy’s claims to the contrary, there’s no such thing as a “valuable” ballpoint pen

I’m not certain what metric of value the Peter Paul Candy people were using, but no matter how much 22 carat gold you slap onto a pen, it’s still just a pen — and hence one of the most losable objects on Earth. “But your name is inscribed on the pen for that very purpose,” you might say. And my response would be: Would you really want your name emblazoned on an Almond Joy writing implement? So that, when it’s found, people think “Who the hell would have a gold-plated Almond Joy pen OH LOOK HIS NAME IS ON IT HAHAHA”?

And rest assured, nothing impresses business associates more than brandishing your inscribed candy bar pen when you’re signing important papers. NOTHING. (It definitely wouldn’t generate the awed hush of a combined cigarette lighter/case.)