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Indiana Jones and the 3 Musketeers of Doom?

October 22, 2014

3musktomb

Hot on the heels of 2001: A 3 Musketeers Odyssey, here’s the Indiana Jones iteration of candy bar marketing. Not to argue with its unnamed hero, but if Indy taught us anything it’s that it always belongs in a museum. Read more…

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Join the zero other people in the Steven Seagal fan club and get loads of Steven Seagal junk!

October 21, 2014

seagal

Steven Seagal long ago passed deep into the realm of unaware self-satire, but there was indeed a time when he was a legit B-level action star — a genuine accomplishment for someone with the acting range of a turnip. And the 1991 ad above is a relic of that bygone age. Seagal posters! Seagal t-shirts! Who can resist? (Probably everyone!) Read more…

Get your shrunken Amazonian Indian heads here! With real skin! Wait, what?

October 20, 2014

shrunkenheads

When you first see this itty bitty ad shrunken heads on a page full of other itty bitty ads, you might well be forgiven for reading “Made From Skin by AMAZON INDIANS” as “Made From Skin of AMAZON INDIANS.” And then feeling a surge of relief when your eyes double back to that text and realize that, no, that’s not the case. No worse than a mail order skunk, then.

And then you pause again. Double back again. Whose skin exactly is it they’re using to make these heads? Read more…

Sunday Stupid: Vince McMahon wants you to “Stand Back”!

October 19, 2014

The glory of professional wrestling isn’t the matches, the staged athletic contests where bodies are slammed and elbows are dropped from the top rope. It comes in the ephemera, the amped rigmarole that surrounds them. The pomp and pageantry, if you will. That’s where the fun is, in the promos, the interviews, the vignettes. Those are the things that draw people in and that they remember long after — the stuff that’s so dumb and out of this world, it’s great.

Today we have one of the dumbest and therefore great ephemeral moments in the history of the WWF/WWE: Vince McMahon performing his debut single, “Stand Back,” at a fake awards show for fake music made by fake athletes supported by a veritable who’s who of babyface wrestlers pretending to play musical instruments. George “The Animal” Steele on tambourine, fercrissakes! Read more…

Trading Card Set of the Week – Kingdom Come Xtra (1996, SkyBox)

October 18, 2014

kc1

Alex Ross has now settled into some vague plateau of ossified veneration, where his superhero artwork is appreciated in a circular way: it’s good because it’s good because it’s good. A cover here and there, a $20,000 appearance at a convention now and then, and everyone’s happy. There’s an unfortunate static quality to his brand, though, one perhaps appropriate for an artist whose figures are often frozen like statues, a bit too closely resembling the stiffly posed friends and family who serve as his models. Would it kill him to once, just once have a character whose eyes appear to actually be focused on something, and not staring off into the void?

But there was a time when Ross and his realistic watercolors of comic book heroes were fresh. New. Vibrant. Yeah, let’s hone in on that. Read more…

Poochie? That you?

October 17, 2014

poochie

Who ever knew that Poochie had a gig hawking Ball Park Franks before his oh so brief stint on The Simpsons? Read more…

Let’s watch Siskel and Ebert eviscerate Jaws: The Revenge, just because

October 16, 2014

Sometimes you need to cleanse the critical palate, and there’s no better way to do it than going back and watching some of the wonderful segments from the old At the Movies review show. Especially the wonderful segments about dreadful movies. Read more…

Who ever thought Lex Luthor bullying little Superman could be so joyous an occasion? – Action Comics #466

October 15, 2014

action466

It’s really not okay to enjoy seeing a grown adult beating up a kid — in fact it’s terrible — but an exception might be made when the “kid” is actually a de-aged version of a superpowered being. Which is the case today in the lovely Neal Adams Action Comics cover above. And there could be an added note of pleasure stemming from the Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner factor. Who hasn’t felt bad for that emaciated desert denizen, pulling out every Acme trick in the book to finally kill that damn bird and have himself a decent meal for once?

So go ahead, Lex Luthor, have your moment! Punch Li’l Superman in the back of the head with your super-villain brass knuckles! Read more…

Power absolutely nothing with your miniature electric engine!

October 14, 2014
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electricengine

I had one of these as a kid, or at least something very similar. Rubber bands were one of the component parts. Lesson: if your engine contains rubber bands, it’s not worth a damn. Read more…

Bring your Batman/Superman slashfic to life with giant poseable hang-ups!

October 13, 2014
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hangups

Sure, you could take your life-size Batman and Superman hang-ups (the Fatheads of their day) and position them in assorted heroic poses —  or as close as you could get with their limited maneuverability. Read more…

Sunday Stupid: Mike Piazza and Ultra Pro get goofy!

October 12, 2014

piazza

Consider this a confluence of streams. October baseball fever continues from last week’s post on George Brett’s pants-crapping career, picks up a tributary of the Trading Card Set of the Week, and merges into Sunday Stupid. Welcome to Mike Piazza: The World’s Goofiest Baseball Card! Read more…

Engage in some ironic shopping by purchasing these worthless tchotchkes to house your coin collection!

October 11, 2014

coinjunk

Coin collecting is a hobby with many merits (including turning children into wide-eyed zombies who never age). But, like every other pastime, it has more than its share of junk. Take the above ad, which displays almost a Star Trek level of uselessness. Read more…

Trading Card Set of the Week – Starship Troopers (1997, Inkworks)

October 10, 2014

starshiptroopers

I have a very clear memory of viewing Starship Troopers for the first time, and said memory is imbued, suffused and saturated with nigh unspeakable disappointment. The movie came out in the fall of 1997, in my sophomore year of college, and I couldn’t wait to see it. After watching the trailer earlier that year (these were the days when watching movie trailers on your boxy desktop was still a thrilling novelty, kids), I was all geared up for some rousing, heavy-duty, hardcore military science fiction, with grizzled space-faring grunts squaring off against giant swarming insects. Because that’s what the trailer seemed to promise, and my naive young adult mind hadn’t yet assimilated the many small cruelties of existence. How could it go wrong? Read more…

Dracula Untold, in which the Count wears sinewy, meatish armor, opens this Friday. Lest we forget…

October 9, 2014

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Dracula Untold presents us with yet another tale of the world’s greatest vampire, going old-timey and faux-historical and 300ish to bring Europe’s invasion by the Turks into the metaphysically sanguinary doings. It has all the things that studios love to market these days: “darkness,” an emo-looking star, British accents and an origin story that hopefully ignites a franchise. It’s as if the ads are grabbing us by the lapels, shaking and pleading He became a monster to save his family and people! How post-millennial anti-hero can you get?! Read more…

Dinosaurus! wasn’t awful enough? Here are some even worse dino movies! Worser!

October 8, 2014

In proof that great minds think alike, just after I had readied the Dinosaurus! post from Monday, our friends over at Red Letter Media posted a dinosaur-centric edition of their delightfully dreadful bad movie series, Best of the Worst. Read more…