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Dracula Untold, in which the Count wears sinewy, meatish armor, opens this Friday. Lest we forget…

October 9, 2014

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Dracula Untold presents us with yet another tale of the world’s greatest vampire, going old-timey and faux-historical and 300ish to bring Europe’s invasion by the Turks into the metaphysically sanguinary doings. It has all the things that studios love to market these days: “darkness,” an emo-looking star, British accents and an origin story that hopefully ignites a franchise. It’s as if the ads are grabbing us by the lapels, shaking and pleading He became a monster to save his family and people! How post-millennial anti-hero can you get?!

Will it be as forgettable as that handsome-Frankenstein bologna with Aaron Eckhart from earlier this year? Will its success ensure that “Untold” will join “Rise, “Age,” and “Dawn” as words that studios shoehorn into every single goddamn movie title? This remains to be seen. What’s clear, though, is that our beloved Count in this film wears armor that has a sinewy texture, sometimes looking like a “parts of a cow” diagram, oft-accentuated with bloody hues.

You want meat armor? Bram Stoker’s Dracula had the most spectacular meat armor which the human mind could ever conceive, and there are trading cards to prove it. Accept no substitute.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Gary permalink
    October 9, 2014 11:11 am

    This looks horrible. I’m tired of the “person must become the thing he hates in order to save (fill in the blank)”.

    Bram Stocker’s Dracula’s 5 minute intro did the origin better than this movie will in an hour and a half.

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