Have you ever wanted to see your grandmother workout in a bikini? WELL HERE YOU GO.

Really, who wouldn’t want to add glamorous curves to their figure? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stared in the mirror at my lean, narrow-hipped man body, cursed the fates for blighting me so, and wished that there was some old-timey pocket gym that could magically give me the full, attractive figure that I so crave. If only I had known that there was this contraption, which promises to cure both Oliveoylism and Shirleyhemphillitis, like a 1950s workout equivalent of quantum physics’ elusive theory of everything. And it doesn’t look like it could maim you, like some of its ancient cousins. (Note: I’d like to personally thank the chunky broad in the ad for wearing a one-piece. Thank you, chunky broad.)

Alas, I’ll probably just stick with my broad-shouldered man body. What? This thing helps with that, too, and builds muscles as a complement to any Atlas regimen? Behold, ladies and gentlemen, the Swiss Army knife of workout apparatuses.