You want Olympic excitement? Devise a Mario-themed sport and make it a medal event. VOILA.

Thrill at the simplicity of the old Mario Bros. game, before they became Super and everything got all complicated for them. You know, when they started selling crappy cereal and all. Ever wonder if these mustached boys at any point wanted to return to the days when all they had to do was contend with pipes, crabs, turtles and hovering platforms? Everything must have made sense back then.

(This is a chicken/egg question which others have asked, one that will probably never be answered, and I’m sure there’s a logical reason, but why was the game called Mario Bros. when Mario was one of the brothers? Is his name Mario Mario? This makes brains hurt.)