A bike speedometer that will put your child’s life in mortal peril

My first car wasn’t a car at all. It was a 1988 Toyota van. It was the vehicle that my family had driven across the United States years before — from New York to California and back again — and it was a clunky old hunk of junk, but believe you me, I was happy to have it passed down to me. The seats in back could fold down quite nicely IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. Who cared that it was a box on wheels?

My point is this: The van’s speedometer went up to a bit above 100 mph. It wasn’t a high-performance machine, that’s for sure. But there was a largely unused straightaway stretch of road near my house, and I’d tickle the upper reaches of that dial whenever I got a chance. (The van would make sounds like the Klingon Bird of Prey did when it was roaring around the sun in Star Trek IV. You could almost hear Scotty giving a dire “She canna take much more!” warning.) The higher numbers taunted me. I had to reach them.

So a bike speedometer that goes up to 50 mph might not be the best gift for a young boy, especially if he’s going to mount it on the POS department store bike pictured above. GOD HELP HIM if there are any significant hills around. Better make sure to pair it with a gigunda Batman bike horn so that a path can be cleared.