Cracker Jack doesn’t discriminate amongst sports, and will gladly undermine any athlete’s nutrition

Is Cracker Jack the best food to have around a basketball court? Would the inherent stickiness of the caramel coating pose a threat to the hardwood, much like black-soled shoes, the bogeyman of every gym coach? Shouldn’t it be relegated to open-air sports, which have a county fair feel to them and where fried foods and sickeningly sweet treats (like the deviously simple fennel cake) fit right in?

And since when do coaches get to hover right behind a player as they’re about to shoot a free throw? (Also, either that kid has terrible form, or he’s starting off shooting right-handed and finishing his motion shooting left-handed. But maybe I’m being too hard on this burgeoning Jimmy Chitwood, and have devolved into the guy you just know is in the bleachers yelling YOU SUCK, KID. If so, apologies.)

At least there are no EVIL DEMON CLOWNS hanging around this ad.