My father’s G.I. Joe can kick your G.I. Joe’s ass

I grew up in the 1980s G.I. Joe era, when every character had fruity backstories and gimmicks, and even wisecracking pet parrots. All the tech they carried and rode around in was nice in a whiz-bang way, and the child me that thought Fruit Roll-Up Bars were a wholesome snack found these flashy Joes peachy-keen. The original G.I. Joe seemed so dull. Boring. “Oh, you’re a soldier? THEN WHERE’S YOUR DAMN PARROT?”

Now I understand that the old-timey Joes could eat the new-fangled versions for lunch. Even Snake-Eyes. Make necklaces out of their finger bones and charm bracelets out of their teeth. The above Green Beret and with his bazooka now has a spartan masculinity that easily trumps the gizmos. And I’m fine with all that. Sign me up for the (old) G.I. Joe Club.