Alternative Word Balloon: “Go Piss in a Hole, Firestorm” – Firestorm #2

The Nuclear Man had a bit of a push when I was little. He was featured quite prominently in the Super Friends/Powers cartoon and the accompanying Jack Kirby comic mini-series, and I recall liking him quite a bit. I think there’s something about him that appeals to youth, beyond the usual run of teen heroes that are always being shoved in front of the more youthful comic-reading demographics. I think a lot of it has to do with his bifurcated nature, with the young hero (Ronnie Raymond) and old mentor (Professor Martin Stein) fused into one. It’s as if Luke Skywalker carried Ben Kenobi around in his skull all the time.

Plus his look is kind of neat, with the Olympic torch hairdo and the day-glo color scheme. He’s like a walking, talking Starburst candy. It’s kind of cool, even though I always got the impression that he and Katana had their costumes done at the same tailor.

But more on all that in a moment.

This issue makes for a prime example of the tool used countless times to give a fresh character (or group of characters) a proper launch — having an established superstar offer them the endorsement of a cold shoulder. It provides the new face the benefit of rubbing elbows with one of the big guns without having that same big gun carry all the water. You can get some of the same effect with a  conventional team-up, but it really seems that this method — by letting the fledgling hero fly (mostly) solo — is the way to go.

Even if this instance gives readers the opportunity to make their own word ballons to stuff in Superman’s mouth, like the one in this post’s title. Or:

“Tell it to Aquaman, kid. Maybe he’ll give a shit.”

Make up your own — it’s fun for the whole family!

As we’ll see, Supes isn’t quite as dismissive and uncaring on the inside (he never is) as on that alliteration-laden cover. And as for the content, this issue’s a bit heavy on the origin regurgitation, which seems terribly unnecessary in light of said origin happening IN THE PREVIOUS ISSUE (you find yourself wishing they’d just use a big Ibid. and move on), but there is some actual forward progress made in the the saga of Firestorm.

So let’s check out that forward progress.

The story (from Gerry Conway/Al Milgrom/Bob McLeod) starts out with Firestorm busting up some two bit loan sharks:

Once the hero is done with his do-goodery and splits up into his component parts, the Professor Stein half gets threatened by a Mr. Black, who was also caught in the nuclear accident that produced our hero:

Hey, I’ve seen Captain Scarlet episodes — never trust a man that goes by the name of Black, no matter if he’s a Captain or a Mister. Especially if he has some ominous “splitting” (nyuk nyuk, as we’ll see) headaches.

Anyway, here we have WGBS talking head Clark Kent filling us all in on this new face:

Now we come to the meat of the issue’s action. Stein is attacked by Multiplex (Black’s Firestorm-like alter-ego), and we learn that the Professor and Robbie have an E.T./Elliot connection:

Ronnie fuses himself with Stein despite being miles away, and he and Multiplex (the Multiplexes?) start to duke it out. Superman shows up, and we can only hope that he won’t crush this new guy’s confidence by vocalizing his reservations:

When Multiplex blasts Firestorm into the air with water, we find out that even nuclear men can get starstruck:

No rest for the wicked, though — thank goodness Professor Stein is there to goad Ronald into getting the job done:

Mission accomplished:

“BALAMMO!” indeed.

And, finally, Superman gives Firestorm a modest seal of approval:

I guess we can call that Firestorm’s “She said I’m cuuuuuuuuuute!” moment:

I can’t say that I’m overly fond of the art or the story in this particular issue — Conway and Milgrom are talented individuals with more credits to their names than I’ll certainly ever have , but this one (for me) is a rather limp affair. Superman’s dialogue is especially stiff, and he comes across as the sort of smug, aloof prick that his detractors (a group which I am not a part of) always paint him to be. This tale definitely wasn’t the sort of pot-boiler that would help the title to escape the publishing holocaust that was the DC Implosion, which nuked this series prematurely at issue #5. Then again, I doubt anything could have rescued it, and certainly not a (pointless, you have to admit) Superman appearance/endorsement.

Some final thoughts on the character… I think I connected with Firestorm as a kid because half of him was close to my age and, though Robin was closer and had the benefit of being so intimately tied to Batman, at least Firestorm had the benefit of covered legs to go with his bitchin’ palette. Plus there were his powers of transmutation, where he could do funky Green Lantern-y type things and foil villains in somewhat comical ways. Hard to go wrong with that.

And maybe there was some deeper reason. It could be that Stein’s voice of authority inside Ronnie’s Firestorm skull was sort of like the consience inside my head (and the heads of others). He echoed those little voices of our parents that all us kids could hear whenever we were up to no good. Maybe he seemed a little like one of us (kids, I mean) because of that.

Whatever the case, I was sympatico with him, and I always had a soft spot for the guy because of that, even when I’d long since moved on to other characters and other things.

And then Brad Meltzer blew him up. Thanks, Brad.