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[Insert joke about general horribleness here] – Transformers: Age of Extinction

June 27, 2014

tfaoe

It’s hard to explain why one still goes to see the Michael Bay Transformers movies, which are churned out with a remarkable regularity in this new millennium. Is it a morbid curiosity, the same impulse that makes us crane our necks to scan the twisted crimson wreckage of a highway accident? Is it an obedience to the little kids inside, who owned the toys and watched the cartoon and read the comics, who begged and pleaded for someone, anyone to take them to see the Orson Welles(!)-infused Transformers: The Movie during its blink of a theater run? Is it a Lucy/Charlie Brown/Football thing, spawned by the fact that the first Bayformers movie was, amazingly, pretty good?

Probably all three in the case of this viewer. So here we are again, with another Michael Bay monstrosity. And, as hard as it is to believe, this is the worst one yet. Nigh unspeakably so. In some cinematic Stockholm Syndrome corollary, it makes dreck like Revenge of the Fallen seem almost palatable by comparison. Can you give out negative stars?

Transformers: Age of Extinction reboots the series, ditching all the human cast of the first and inserting a new bunch of fleshlings to take all the spotlight away from the characters that the franchise is supposed to be about. We exchange Shia “Career Implosion” LaBoef for Mark “9/11 ain’t happening if I’m on that plane, bro” Wahlberg, in what’s essentially a lateral movie. And what we get is the loudest, dumbest mound of garbage yet spawned by Bay and co. My mind can barely process the myriad things that this movie botches. I’m going to try on the next page, which will contain spoilers — really, who cares? — and perhaps some foul language. You’re warned.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 27, 2014 12:39 pm

    Terrible film. Loved the MST3K reference you threw in here, though!

    You can read my full review of Age of Extinction here:

    http://heavymetalebert.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/transformers-age-of-extinction-movie-review/

  2. August 15, 2014 6:12 am

    Michael Bay’s Age of Extinction is probably the most enjoyable Transformers movie yet… but is it any good? No. Are there good parts? Sure. The first twenty minutes of the film are light-hearted and enjoyable with scene stealer T.J. Miller chewing up the scenery but is killed off in the first action scene. Wahlberg is a better protagonist than Labeouf but is bland, Tucci starts off menacing but is reduced to a cartoon, and Kelsey Grammer is wasted. The special effects are notably worse than the others but at least you can tell the difference between the Transformers. The biggest problem with this movie is the run time which drags on for too long. The first half of the movie is good, the middle is absymal, and the end is meh.

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